If one thing quickly becomes clear as a young parent, it is that parenting is not an algorithm. There is no one formula, no one app that will make you a good father. Or how to turn small children into reasonable people. Real life doesn't work as predictably as a mathematical model, as just about everyone who breathes knows. And if you don't know it before you have children, you will find out through parenthood.
And yet it gnaws at me, the rise of all those super smart AI programs. If they can solve complex social, mathematical and computer problems so well – couldn't ChatGPT also teach me something about parenting? “How do I become a good father?” I type in, after yet another irrational toddler tantrum that makes me doubt myself. And as with many questions, AI's answer seems impressive at first glance.
“The pursuit of being a good father is commendable!” the chatbot writes back. “While there is no 'perfect' blueprint for parenting, there are some general tips to consider:
1. Involvement. Be involved in your child's life, show interest in their activities, listen to them and communicate with them regularly.
2. Time and attention. Spend quality time with your children. This means not only being physically present, but also actively participating in their lives and activities.
3. Patience and understanding. Children need guidance and support. Be patient, understanding and empathetic, and try to see things from their perspective.
4. Positive reinforcement. Encourage your child, praise and recognize their efforts and achievements. This helps build their self-confidence.
5. Setting boundaries. Set clear, fair, and consistent boundaries for your children. This helps them understand structure and discipline.
6. Health and safety. Take care of your children's physical and emotional health and safety. Encourage a healthy lifestyle and protect them from potential dangers.
7. Self-care. Don't forget to take care of yourself. If you take good care of yourself, you are better able to be there for your children.”
Well, tie a bow around it and hang it on the refrigerator, I thought when I read it. Pretty good for a computer. Beautiful, multi-dimensional approach to fatherhood: strength and love, boundaries and confidence – and I can also take care of myself every now and then.
Or not? The more I think about it, the tinnier the AI commandments start to sound. Yes, it's all quite correct, but isn't it also very symbolic of how AI is now used? AI as an oracle, as a guideline.
I am reminded of the research of the American educationalist Alison Gopnik, in which she ultimately comes to a division in types of parenting. According to her, you have 'carpenter' parents and 'gardener' parents. The carpenters see raising children as a task that you have to perform just as you would make a chair or a table. You shape a child like a carpenter shapes a piece of wood in such a way that it can become a chair or a table. Parenting in that view requires a clear plan, patience and control. Parenting as a craft, parenting as a verb.
The gardener parent does things completely differently. He sees a child as an unpredictable, lively and unruly garden. You can try to give some extra water here and there, prune a little, sow some seeds, but a garden can never be completely controlled. The result depends on weather, wind, chance. There is no predictable end result like with a piece of furniture. According to Gopnik, gardener parents are happier and more successful at parenting than carpenter parents – and the children experience it that way too.
And AI is precisely a carpenter's tool. Algorithms provide clear, measured, controlled answers: if this, then that. But children may be the exact opposite of an algorithm: playful, messy, unpredictable, they have imagination. These are things that AI does not have – at least for the time being.
ChatGPT is a statistics machine that simply 'guesses' what the appropriate answer is based on the entered data. In fact, these AI systems do nothing more than predict what the best average next word of a sentence is.
While, is good parenting a statistical average? What is really meaningful in parenting? Does that mean being able to immediately, very precisely reproduce how other parents do it? Or what all the texts on the internet once said and say about this?
Or is good parenting the process of learning what works best in your child's unique circumstances? In trial and error, learning and improving, going wrong and finding a new path? Thinking you get it – but then again you don't. That seems to me to be much more something to teach my children than always having to use ChatGPT for difficult questions: life is trying, experimenting, human. Not digital and algorithmic.
Well, messiness and unpredictability don't preclude you from having a plan, I think. Ultimately, it is nice to have independent, sensible adults at the end of an education who are kind to those around them. In that sense there is a kind of destiny of fatherhood. And a little peek at the neighbors is quite reassuring every now and then. So AI can be quite useful in this regard.
But a technological one shortcut Going to the end point doesn't seem like a good idea to me, it's the wrong form of control drive. So thank you ChatGPT, I hear what you're saying, I'll take it with me. But I'm going to do it a little differently than how you propose it. Fortunately, I don't know exactly how yet.
#Education #beginners
