How do you deal withYou often read stories about people who are sick themselves, but how do you actually deal with this as a partner, family member or friend? In this section, experts give practical tips. This week we will not discuss how to deal with an illness, but we will discuss what it is like to have a different sexual orientation. Dunya Vermaat (37) is asexual and shares her story.
Asexuality is not a disease, disorder or condition, but an orientation. Unfortunately, there are still many prejudices and misconceptions about it. It can also sometimes be difficult to deal with asexuality as a partner. “Asexuality is not experiencing and not feeling sexual arousal towards another person. This does not mean that asexual persons cannot experience sexual feelings at all,” explains sexologist Nynke Nijman.
You’re not necessarily asexual if you don’t feel like having sex. Besides stress and fatigue, there are all kinds of other physical and mental causes that affect your libido. Most Dutch people have sex no more than three times a month. Yet most people are very satisfied with their sex life. (Source: Allesoverseks.be and Rutgers).
There are different forms of asexuality. “For example, one person needs solo sex for the physical release, others need contact such as cuddling and some have no need for sex at all.”
Vermaat: “I don’t feel the need to have sex with someone else, but I am looking for someone to build a relationship with. Sometimes I get a lot of understanding for my situation, others don’t and there are people who treat me like a circus attraction.”
‘We always think that everyone likes sex’
“We always think that everyone has sex and that everyone likes sex. That is a standard we have set for ourselves.” According to Nijman, asexuality is also part of this: “It is time we changed that.”
As a partner, it is especially important to ask questions rather than judge
Sharing personal things about yourself is always difficult, especially if you’ve just started dating someone new. “You have to feel comfortable sharing with someone that you are asexual. As a partner, it is then especially important to ask questions rather than judge.”
Nijman also says that it is important not to see it as a personal rejection if your asexual partner does not want to have sex with you. “It’s good to realize it’s not your fault.”
Comments you shouldn’t make
Vermaat received comments from her environment such as: ‘just wait, you haven’t met the right person yet’ and ‘if we have sex you will talk differently’. You shouldn’t make those comments. “Don’t say: I want sex, how are we going to solve that? But ask for the needs of another. This prevents you from crossing each other’s boundaries. If you get stuck together, you can enlist the help of a professional,” says Nijman.
Acceptance is important
“It starts with accepting that sex doesn’t necessarily have to be part of a good relationship. You can separate lust and love, for example by hugging or by expressing your feelings for each other. You cannot solve or change asexuality, but you can make it negotiable.”
What does Vermaat think of the advice? “I really like cuddling and it’s not that I reject the other person because I don’t feel like sex. I recognize my own feelings and limits. Real intimacy and connection on a soul level is for me more than just the physical and the physical.”
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