The moving stories of victims in the BNN Vara program Angry show that sexually transgressive behavior still occurs far too often. But when is this the case and when can you speak of abuse?
The terms sexual abuse and sexually transgressive behavior are often used interchangeably. According to the Public Prosecution Service, sexually transgressive behavior occurs if there is some form of inequality. It is, as it were, an umbrella term that includes all forms of unwanted sexually tinted behavior.
“That is the case, as soon as you cross the boundaries of another,” says Sabine Meulenbeld, trainer and therapist in the field of sexuality. “Usually because you pay too much attention to your own sexual appetite and too little to the well-being and integrity of the other person, who does not want that.”
What falls under sexually transgressive behaviour?
It’s not just about unwanted touching and penetrating someone’s body without attunement, also shouting things like ‘you make me so horny’, harassing someone online by sending sexually oriented text messages or dick pics are qualified as sexually transgressive acts.
Research by knowledge center Rutgers shows that 22 percent of women and 6 percent of men have experienced sexual violence. When it comes to all sexual acts committed against a person’s will, 53 percent of women and 19 percent of men report having experienced at least one such act. It also involves unwanted touching or kissing.
“Aligning with the other person whether what you are doing is also desirable is a good way not to cross other people’s boundaries,” says Meulenbeld. According to her, you can prevent this by continuing to ask questions. Because no one can read minds. And know that whoever says a does not automatically have to say b.”
Precisely because victims blame themselves, it takes years before they dare to come out
What about sexual abuse?
Sexual abuse occurs when someone clearly abuses his or her position of power, difference in age or high financial position. The imbalance of power in the case of cross-border trading is mainly implicit. “Think of Jeroen Rietbergen as band leader and his relationship to the participants in the program.” Although he did not have the power to directly influence the course of the program, as part of the well-known De Mol family he did have this position of power, especially among young women who want to make it in the music industry.
Where can victims go?
According to Meulenbeld, it is still far too unclear where victims of unwanted sexual acts can go with their story. “Precisely because victims blame themselves, it takes years before they dare to come out. But the information about where to turn should be available long before anything has even happened. At school, at the sports club and at work.”
Specialized assistance is currently available at the Center for Sexual Violence (CSG) and Pretty Woman for help with relationships, sexuality and coercion. Meulenbeld also talks about the report app for companies. This app works like a diary, in which you can write your thoughts, but where you can also collect evidence if necessary. “You remain in control and decide what to do with it. It is important for a victim to remain in the driver’s seat.”
In addition to the importance of help for victims, help for perpetrators should also become more important, says Meulenbeld. “They need good information, the fact that they cross other people’s sexual boundaries is not a sign of healthy sexuality,” she says.
More attention to prevention
“Suppose you are now at home on the couch and think: ‘I have also crossed someone’s boundaries’, then you will not quickly seek help when you see how everyone has an opinion as a result of the broadcast of Angry. That is why not only help for the offender, but also prevention should become more important.”
We need to change our perception of what rape is. It’s not just that creepy man pulling you off your bike
It is vital for victims to know that it is never their own fault. “Try to get help and not keep it a secret. And also not unimportant: don’t compare yourself with others. Because there are thousands of scenarios in which things have gone slightly differently than with you,” explains Meulenbeld. “If you do, you start to doubt yourself and think: it probably isn’t bad enough.”
Although the taboo on when sexually transgressive behavior appears to be disappearing, we still have a long way to go, according to the episode of Angry in which one of the victims has difficulty with the concept of rape. “It tells us that we need to rethink what rape is. It’s not just that creepy guy pulling you off your bike.” Finally, the coach refers to a tweet that, according to her, puts the finger on the sore spot: ‘Victims and perpetrators do not want to call it rape. Victims not because they blame themselves and perpetrators not because they don’t blame themselves.’
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