The omnipresence and power of the digital world have meant that infidelities now have new tools and different allies, democratising infidelity to the point that sometimes, a mere click to change the course of a relationship. As he points out a survey Launched by the non-monogamous dating platform Gleeden, 79% of participants said they had intimate chats with people other than their partners, something that many people consider micro-infidelity.
As explained by Lara Ferreiro, a psychologist at Ashley Madison, a dating platform for married couples, there are three types of infidelity: physical (in which there is sexual intercourse), emotional (which is based on messages) and finally, digital. “In summer, the latter are the most common, as unfaithful people opt for sexting and warm the bench for September,” she says. In this context, the Gleeden study indicates that 94% of unfaithful people have deleted messages, calls or browsing history to hide it from their partners and 57% of unfaithful people hide their mobile phone from their regular partners, normally because they have contacts or conversations that they do not want them to see. Further proof that infidelity is not an exception in our country is found in the fact that Spain is the second European market for Ashley Madison, which has 1.7 million unfaithful people, a figure that places Spain ahead of countries such as Germany, Italy and France.
Listen to your intuition and be careful with legality
But is it possible to catch a cheater? To begin with, everyone assures that Shakira was right about one thing: you have to listen to your intuition. This is stated by José María Cuesta López, private detective, graduate in criminology and author of the book Manual for detecting infidelity (Almuzara, 2022), who advises everyone to trust their intuition, because when someone begins to perceive strange or unusual behavior, it is usually for a reason. In his book he gives a warning. “You have to distance yourself from the situation to think clearly, not make hasty or irreversible decisions without weighing them sufficiently, not show your cards and not accuse without evidence. If necessary, it is appropriate to rely on professionals who, when necessary and depending on the circumstances, can be your best allies: psychologists, lawyers and private detectives.”
At this point, Rafael Guerrero, Private Detective and co-author of the essay Elementary, X-ray of the Private Detective (Red Circle, 2019), explains S Fashion In Spain, the licensed private detective, with an open and authorized office with a registration number (RNSP), is the only professional who can make the necessary inquiries to obtain and provide, on behalf of legitimate third parties, information and evidence about private conduct or events related to personal, family or social life, among others. “This is what is stated in article 48 of the Private Security Law that regulates our profession. Having a detective is positive because of legal security, because we know how far we can investigate and where to stop, not to violate the privacy of the people under investigation, where we can record and where not,” he warns.
How to detect infidelity
But before you consider hiring a detective, experts agree that there are some signs that can sometimes, but not always, indicate that a partner is unfaithful.
“The couple spends more time than usual looking at themselves in the mirror and has a new commitment to improving their physique. They begin a strict exercise regimen that takes up much of their free time,” says Thomas G. Martin, private detective, in Seeing Life Through Private Eye (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2017).
Christoph Kraemer, Managing Director Europe at Ashley Madison, also explains that rSudden major changes in behaviour are often signs of infidelity. “One example is an increase in sporting activity. 53% of Spaniards practice sport at least once a week. Among Ashley Madison members this percentage rises to 86%,” she says.
Not only do cheaters tend to get more fit, but they also suddenly become interested in diets and fashion. “I usually put it this way: If your partner starts coming home after a long day at work smelling better than when you left, you have a problem,” Martin says.
While social media has democratised infidelity, the mobile phone is undoubtedly the perfect weapon for cheaters. “Unfaithful people change their passwords, they don’t part with their mobile and they are on the defensive with the phone, which is the great giveaway. At any notification, they jump, they turn it around. Now WhatsApp allows you to block chats and enter a password in specific conversations. I have patients who look at deleted photos from their partner’s phone, and WhatsApp storage stores everything that others send, so it is another way to catch the unfaithful person,” says Lara Ferreiro, who comments that today, people are starting to use LinkedIn to flirt and have conversations with their lovers.
Rafael Guerrero agrees that his clients usually discover infidelities by finding WhatsApp conversations with another person, and sometimes by looking at Google locations, since when they accessed their account, they found that they didn’t match up. “In the past, it was the lipstick mark on the shirt collar that gave it away, but today, it’s the fingerprint,” adds Christoph Kraemer.
Kraemer, Managing Director for Europe at Ashley Madison, says sudden major changes in behaviour are often the signs of infidelity. “I would add that an increase in work-related excuses, such as last-minute meetings or an unexpected business trip, are pretexts that many cheaters use,” he explains. Lara Ferreiro says that cheaters suddenly tend to have an unusual amount of work, and meetings go on until late at night. “It is common for them to talk about infidelity between two and three in the afternoon, when they use a work lunch as an excuse,” she says. Martin recommends paying special attention to sudden work trips, which appear overnight without the partner’s work duties having changed.
Kraemer says it can be suspicious if a partner starts making excessive gestures such as giving flowers or jewelry without any occasion such as a birthday or anniversary, while Ferreiro says to pay attention to strange behavior on social media. For example, if a partner stops uploading photos in which his or her partner appears or starts posting sexy photos, when he or she didn’t do so before.
Finally, Kraemer says that in her opinion, the best thing someone can do if they suspect their partner is having an affair is to sit down and talk. “Infidelity is often the result of a lack of communication and not an impulsive decision. Six out of ten Ashley Madison users say they have tried to talk to their partner about their wants and needs, but have been ignored. I certainly wouldn’t recommend trying to set a trap like catfishing to uncover alleged cheating behavior. It would be like fighting fire with fire. A relationship must be built on trust to work, and it is through dialogue that we build and strengthen this trust,” she says.
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