Hello.
“He told me that my friends and I were whores and I still stayed.” “He threatened me every time I did stories with him and I still stayed.” “He warned me that if I didn’t have sexual relations with him, I would have them with others. And yet, I stayed.” For some years now, social networks have served us as a vehicle to break the silence about violence, machismo or harassment. The “and still I stayed” is one of the latest trends: Many women tell something harmful or violent that their ex-partners did and end with “and I still stayed.”
It bothered me from the beginning because I see it as somewhat blaming. Why put the emphasis, again, on what we did or did not do, on what our reaction was, instead of focusing on their behavior, or on what society does to end machismo? I have written this.
Talking to some women I saw how for some it is useful, either because it makes them feel less alone, or because they feel ‘less’ bad knowing that they are not the only ones to whom it happened. ‘and they stayed’. But there was also guilt and horror, or a feeling that we are the stupid ones or even somewhat responsible for not leaving sooner.
By sharing these reflections with several people, other ideas emerged, for example, how useful it would be to share those situations and say that, sooner or later, we left, and explain what helped us get out of there. “At times he took care of me and was great, but at others he became aggressive and I was afraid, I still left, although it took me a while to accept that this was neither normal nor good nor what I deserved.” Or “he drove recklessly because he was angry with me and at first I justified it because I thought it was generally good, but after sharing it with friends and having several conversations, I stopped.”
Friends, books, therapy, listening to others, feminism, finding those who treat us well, knowing how to take care of ourselves and support ourselves. All of this is learned. Just as we learn a model of love and couples full of stereotypes and sexist and harmful tics and that, however, we assume as ‘normal’ since we are little. How many more tools we have, sooner and better we will be able to get out of relationships that hurt us or where they violate us, but changing all this is a collective responsibility. Just like ending the machismo that sustains violence and control and that many men continue to exercise. We leave, we stay, but who and why attacks? What sustains that structure and what are we doing to change it?
a phrase
“Men are assumed to have a scientific capacity that is not yet recognized in women, for this reason they receive more comments regarding their capacity”
Maider Eizmendi Iraola
— Researcher at the UPV/EHU
You may be interested
- One of the people with whom I shared impressions for the analysis of ‘and I still stayed’ is Pablo Santos, a trainer in gender and violence prevention and who coordinates groups with men. and I remembered this article who wrote a long time ago in Pikara Magazine about whether men have to read about masculinities…or if it would be preferable for them to read women who write texts that also question masculinity. “Are we asking to understand the situation of women in a system that oppresses, violent and murders them or are we asking for a recipe book so as not to screw up as a man?” he launched.
- Given the latest events, my colleague Marta Borraz has interviewed Juana Rivas’s lawyer, Maria Martos: “Your case is a clear example of institutional violence against a victim.” And I recommend that you recover and follow the work of colleagues from other media who have closely followed both this case and that of other mothers who had their children taken from them, such as Patricia Reguero and Sara Plazafrom El Salto, or Marisa Kohanfrom Public.
- Poverty affects women more than men, but the lack of a gender perspective means that we do not know the magnitude in our case. Of those “gaps” in the statistics My colleague Laura Olías speaks. An example: there is no data on especially vulnerable groups and what happens within homes is not ‘measured’.
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Come on, I finish with a series that has hooked me because it is a thriller and that I think addresses sexual violence and family in a less conventional way: ‘A Normal Family’, on Netflix. You’ll tell me what you think. I look forward to your recommendations!
Ann
#left #talk #helped #leave #harmful #violent #relationships
