“I prefer masturbating to having sex with someone,” someone vented on the web Reddit. It almost sounds like a confession. Some people understand rejecting shared sex as losing opportunities for pleasure in capital letters, although self-satisfaction is also an option for enjoyment. It is not too unusual to hear this type of confidence, both from single people and couples. In X another user manifested the same, and 3,000 support it I likeadding their reasons: “Less effort, less hassle, and less time wasted organizing it.” On the Reddit thread, someone responded: “Between masturbation and orgasm with someone without emotional connection, the first is better.” To this we must add that there is a recent label, the solosexuality, with which some people identify and which consists precisely of a lack of attraction towards sexual relations, preferring self-satisfaction.
The reasons for opting for a solo option (being able to have opportunities in company) are varied. “Usually, sex alone is usually more accurate, that is, I know where my pleasure points are, my erogenous zones, and I receive a feedback directly from my own stimulation,” he points out Ana Sierrapsychologist, sexologist, writer and teacher in university master’s degrees. Sierra adds: “This can make us lazy in some aspects, since the energy, physical and psycho-emotional expenditure when relating to other people is usually greater and even, more likely, less satisfactory.” For her part, the pedagogue and sexologist Yenny Rivero She says another reason may be “the fear of not being up to par, since in this new society pleasure is seen as a comparative challenge. Masturbation would not be conditioned by performance anxiety or by the fear of failure in direct contact.”
Satisfaction in sex is not just about reaching orgasm, it has to do with a more complete state of well-being that depends on different variables. The study A Systematic Review of Sexual Satisfaction, The study by María del Mar Sánchez-Fuentes, Pablo Santos-Iglesias and Juan Carlos Sierra concludes that sexual satisfaction is associated with individual variables (such as health, physical and mental well-being, medical treatments, etc.), with variables linked to the relationship, with factors related to social support and family relationships, and with cultural beliefs and values such as religion. The variables that have to do with the couple include aspects such as a good relationship beyond the sexual, intimacy, commitment, love, support, equity or communication. Without this, it does not mean that one cannot enjoy it, but satisfaction is affected. If we add the need to know the tastes of the other person, the generosity required by both parties or the assertiveness to say what one wants and what one does not want, it can be understood that an encounter with a partner requires an effort that is not worth it for some people. In short, in certain circumstances, and if it is about achieving an orgasm, it is easier to seek it alone.
Preference for masturbation occurs at different ages and in different relationship situations. The reasons will be different. In people without a stable partner, difficulties in finding one may prevail (here social skills play an important role), fears of a sexual encounter and poor physical and/or emotional understanding with occasional partners. When there is a stable partner, laziness, lack of innovation, routine, stress or obligations, among other aspects, may come into play.
Applying the saying “better alone than in bad company” can also have to do with age. For Ana Sierra, maturity usually leads us to independence, leaving aside that romantic belief that if the right person is there, they will give us everything, including pleasure. “Over the years, you learn, or that would be desirable, that you are the owner of your pleasure, although others can offer us an interesting and very pleasurable plus, of course. And with that, good company is appreciated; bad company, pressures and drives away desire,” she says.
How it can affect a relationship
Pleasures in a couple and alone are perfectly compatible and complementary. A popular belief has long maintained that if you are in a couple, masturbation makes less sense, when in reality they are different practices that, therefore, provide different sensations. “Masturbation does not have to affect the relationship. And if it were so, we would have to investigate why it does so, if there are fears, mistrust or we believe that they no longer love us,” says Sierra.
Another question arises when one partner chooses the path of self-stimulation and not shared sex. Many couples assume that over time desire will diminish and with it sexual relations may do so as well (especially if nothing is done to prevent it). But when masturbation does occur, another question may arise: there is sexual desire, so why doesn’t he want to have sex with me? “Open communication is the first way to resolve whatever it is,” reminds the psychologist and sexologist.
Monotony and laziness are common reasons why a lack of desire for sex as a couple appears. Yenny Rivero affirms that at these times it is important to resize the importance of sexual life and place it on the daily agenda. “It is time, in this process of change, to review what we understand by sex. Sexuality is not the same as intercourse. Sex is art, it is playing, it is enjoying, it is fantasy, let us not limit it,” suggests the sexologist. Introducing novelties may help to find motivation for sex as a couple again, so that all the effort pays off in the form of satisfaction. “It is about cultivating the area of eroticism through literature, adult films, introducing erotic toys, surprising each other with gifts such as a massage in a spa… let yourself be carried away by your feelings. Routine is not a matter of years but of a lack of enthusiasm,” adds the expert.
Sex includes a wide variety of practices, from masturbation to intercourse, and everything that healthy imagination proposes. One option is not better than another, nor is it necessary to strive to follow one path or another, but it depends on each person and each moment. “Being aware of when, how and with whom I want to have sex requires a vital journey of self-knowledge and coherence between what I want and what I do. This act of mindfulsex lor I consider it necessary to achieve our sexual satisfaction and happiness,” says Sierra.
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