“The only thing I ask of you, son, is that you never have ugly women or asshole friends”. Dad Chema, my maternal grandfather, gave me that assignment. I also heard a recipe for happiness from him: “Drink without getting drunk. Love without suffering passion. Eat without indigestion. And sometimes unbalancing himself, but with great discretion and without discrediting himself”. I followed the order to the letter, so that the grandfather has never appeared to me in my dreams to claim his breach. Indeed, my friends have always been of greater brains than mine, and the ladies I had dealings with before the wedding ring cut off my circulation were very good to look at and better to touch.
I also, the same as the other Machado, I loved how hospitable they can be. I put “the other Machado” because in my opinion Manuel Machado is a better poet than his brother Antonio, the one to whose verses Serrat put music. My friends were bothered by that opinion of mine, which worried me a lot, because I’ve already said that none of them were assholes, until I read an anecdote by Borges. Someone spoke in his presence about Antonio Machado, Manuel’s brother, and he asked with simulated astonishment: “Does Manuel Machado really have a brother?” That boutade of the great Argentine reassured me. (Boutade is, to the French, a biting quip.) I see that I am departing from a story that I haven’t even started yet. I start it. A certain gentleman had a friend of little caletre and modest understanding.
One day he invited him to his house and showed him a telescope that he had bought. She told him, “With him I can see to your house, which is at the other end of the city. Right now I am seeing your wife in her bedroom. She is taking off her blouse.” The friend commented: “It must be hot.” “Now,” continued the other, “she is taking off her skirt.” “It must be hot,” repeated the visitor. “Now,” said the man with the telescope, “he is taking off his underwear.” He returned to tell the woman’s husband: “She must be hot.” “Now,” said the other, “the neighbor has entered the bedroom and is undressing.” “Oh no! -The idiot was indignant-. If he’s hot and wants to take a bath, he can go to his house and use his own bathroom!”. (Let’s remember the old, pious prayer: “Oh Lord, Lord, Lord. / Send me sorrow and pain. / Send me old evils. / But deal with assholes / Don’t send it to me, Lord!”).
The patrons of the Bar Aunda were amazed to see a guy come in with a toad on his head. The guy casually sat down at the bar, ordered a beer, and started drinking straight from the bottle. (It didn’t do well. Brewing experts affirm that beer should be served in a glass, cup or jar, so that its qualities manifest when in contact with the air and the drinker can inhale and enjoy its aroma, just as is done with the wine). The bartender asked him: “Why do you bring that little animal?” To his surprise, the one who answered was the toad. He told her: “It all started when I got a boil on my buttock. Over the days it grew until it became this ugly guy.”
Doña Panoplia de Altopedo, a lady of good society, went to the meat department of the supermarket and asked the butcher to show her a raw chicken. The man presented one of hers. Lady Panoply took the chicken in her hands and examined it exhaustively. She looked at it from all sides, weighed it, sniffed its different parts, palpated it dutifully, and even went so far as to stick a finger in her part to inspect the inside of the bird. Seeing all this, the butcher asked Dona Panoply, annoyed: “Lady, would you pass that exam?” FINISH.
LOOKOUT
By Armando SOURCES AGUIRRE.
STORIES OF THE CREATION OF THE WORLD
The Lord looked intrigued at all the oddities that men did in his name.
Some refrained from dealing with women.
Others deprived themselves of eating pork, and cut off their sons’ foreskins.
Others forced their women to cover themselves from head to toe, and even killed them if they did not comply with that prescription.
Others refused to use cars and electricity. They rode in horse carts and were lit by kerosene lamps.
Others were prohibited from dancing.
The Lord saw all those strange things and said to himself:
-I am to blame, for having created that strange thing that is man.
See you tomorrow!…
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