Family | Teija Sydänmaalakka thought the child was first too young, then too old – “It always feels like something is unexperienced”

Wrong aged mother. The Teija Heart Painting55, feels he has been as many as twice.

When Sydänmaalakka got his firstborn at the age of 20, the life situation was difficult in many ways. He had just lost his parents, vocational training was in progress and the relationship did not last.

Still, Heart Painting was enthusiastic about parenting, and she thought the wonder of motherhood was fun to share with friends. He felt brave and wanted to show himself and others that he would survive.

However, his success was suspected, and it rained on the young single parent without asking for advice, which he listened to too much in retrospect.

She deviated from the normal age again when she had her second child. He was 38 at the time.

He considered the good side of his age, for example, that he was more confident with the child. Yet his choice was marveled. Why did he want to start all over again when he had just gotten over his firstborn teens? Medical examinations reminded us of the risk of pregnancy.

“Motherhood is defined terribly. It seems like there is never a right age to parent. It always feels like something is left unexperienced, ”says Sydänmaalakka.

Multi is apparently of the opinion that has set up a family at a good stage in life.

This can be deduced at least from what people answered in a survey published in HS: fi. It asked if people were happy with what age they got older. If not, what would have been a good age? And if your own age deviated from the norm, how did others react to it?

One of the respondents to the survey is Teija Sydänmaalakka. A total of 990 responses were received to the survey.

The majority of respondents thought that their own age was appropriate when the first child was born. On a scale of 1 to 10, most gave a grade of 10 to the age at which they had a child. The average number of responses was 8.

Good timing was defined, for example, through a relationship, studies, work situation, or financial security.

“Studies were behind, there was a job. My husband and I had been together for 10 years when the first child was born. ”

“The drunkenness of youth was drunk, and I was ready for motherhood.”

This reader gave a full ten to his timing, although there were concerns:

“Financial uncertainty raged, and studies stretched. The support of my own parents, both financial and childcare, was worth the help. ”

There were also respondents who thought the timing was not optimal. This mom gave a rating of 5:

“There was little peer support when my own guys weren’t in a similar life situation. During my first year as a baby, I felt very lonely. ”

But so what is that good age for having children? The answer depends on who is being asked.

If asks gynecologists, the chapter probably starts in second. Female fertility is at its peak at the age of 18-25, and after the age of 35 it declines rapidly. Eighty-five percent of 25-year-olds become pregnant during a year of trying and the pregnancy progresses to completion. The same proportion is 50 per cent for those aged 35 and only 15 per cent for those aged 40, says a gynecologist and obstetrician, LT Anna-Kaisa Poranen Felicitas About the Bee.

Male fertility is not affected as quickly by age. However, even in men, fertility decreases after the age of 45, Poranen says.

What is a biologically appropriate age is a different matter than what is considered culturally appropriate. The cultural ideal is linked to the age at which children are born. In 2020, the average age of Finnish first-time mothers was 29.6 years. The average age of first-time fathers was 31.6 years.

The average age of first-time mothers is rising: in the 1980s it was around 26 years old, in the 1960s around 23 years. Thus, the cultural ideal for having a child has risen closer to thirty than twenty.

As a mother in her twenties:

When for yourself The most suitable age for starting a family was asked in the HS.fi survey, the most common answers were 25, 28 and 30. The average of the answers for those under 60 was 28 years.

There was no significant difference in the mean of male and female responses.

As a young person, those who had a child praised their resilience and recovery, and as a parent, those who had a child longed for them.

“Oh how God can make a man tired,” writes a man who became a father at the age of 42, now 52 years old.

On the other hand, many stressed that they were mentally ready or more stable only as a parent. Several wrote that they were pleased to have had time to deal with their own trauma before having children.

“If I had been older and had my own therapy, I would have been a more balanced mother,” writes a woman who has had her firstborn at the age of 26.

Many parents who have given birth to a firstborn wondered if they would have the number of children they wanted. Here’s how a woman who gave birth to her firstborn at age 34 writes:

“I had another child when I was 36 years old. Now I am 39 years old and I have weighed in on the possibility of a third child, but the risks of age are starting to dawn. ”

When the Director of the Demographic Research Institute, Research Professor, asks for a suitable childbearing age Anna from Rotkirchthe exact number does not drop, even asking twice.

This is because when reproductive biology and ideals come into practice, it is impossible to unequivocally name good age.

The Population Union has mapped out ideas related to the ideal and timing of starting a family in its family barometer surveys. In 1997, Finns believed that the ideal age for a woman to become a mother was 25.5 years. In 2015, it had risen to 26.7 years. At that time, the respondents defined the ideal of becoming a father at 28.5 years.

The level of education is strongly related to the age at which one becomes a parent. According to the 2017 Family Barometer, women who attended primary school at most received their firstborn at the age of 23. Age increases with education, so that graduates of their master’s degree received their firstborn at the age of about 32.

Education did not so much affect ideals. The average age at ideal age varied between 26 and 28 years, depending on the level of education. Low-educated women would like to have children later than they do and highly educated women would like to have children at a younger age.

In men, education did not have as much effect on the age at which they received their firstborn. Those who received primary education became the father at an average age of 28.5, and those with higher education between the ages of 32 and 33. The ideal age ranged from 28 to 33 years.

The profession and the area of ​​residence are also related to the age at which their first child is born. Children are raised in cities as older than in the countryside, and entrepreneurs, farmers and midwives have children earlier than those in other professions.

According to Rotkirch, both men and women who are currently trying to have a child are more likely to benefit from not only socioeconomic but also happiness and hope. The fact that no child has conceived or is uncertain is related to unemployment, low education and income levels among Finns, especially women.

Part Respondents to HS.fi’s survey were dissatisfied with the question. Criticism reminded that the appropriate age is a personal and complex issue, and the timing of starting a family is not always your choice.

Indeed, parental age is a personal matter. However, the structures and norms of society guide the ideals associated with starting a family. Therefore, the standards are worth looking at.

Rotkirch finds it interesting how first-time mothers of abnormal age are treated. According to him, people who start a family “too early” and “too late” are easily resented in Finland.

However, she finds that having a child at a later age has become more acceptable, in part because there are successful women in the public who become mothers in their forties.

In contrast, Family Barometer focus group interviews show that young adults may consider first-year-olds under 25 to be too young. For example, young people think that if they start a family closer to twenty than thirty, they have not had time to achieve certain things in life and may not be able to achieve them later.

“If a 22-year-old has a child, others think it can code to fail, and that’s a very strange trait in our culture,” Rotkirch says.

In a survey by HS.fi, many children under the age of 25 say they have experienced contempt and miserable comments. Similarly, those who had their firstborn on or after the threshold of forty did little to report having suffered negative comments.

When as the childhood age in society rises, the birth rate tends to fall. This can be a concern, for example, because of the dependency ratio of the population. However, upward pain in the ideal age can also cause problems on a personal level.

If social structures and norms guide the postponement of having children, many will be left without the children they would have liked. Either the firstborn is not born or the child does not have time to get the siblings that would have been desired, Rotkirch summarizes.

According to Rotkirch, stigmatizing young parenthood in particular is problematic. It is true that at a very young age there can be risks involved in having a child. Wage developments in women may be weaker and the risk of divorce may increase.

“But it depends on society and support. One could think of a society that values ​​parenting more, rather than building a society where no one is born under the age of 27. ”

As a mother in her forties:

Good a more significant question than ever is what is a good moment. However, waiting for the perfect moment is a contemporary problem, according to Rotkirch.

“It’s thought that in order to be a good parent, everything has to be tiptop. Studying, career, home, balanced relationship. But to achieve this situation, a child’s dream must be postponed, and it may no longer be possible, ”he says.

Even in the HS survey, many wrote that there must be certain things in life before a child can come. Responses repeated stable relationship, education, good financial situation, dream job, Travel and owner-occupied housing.

Many respondents reported how career worries had shifted to a child’s dream.

“I wanted to get to a certain point and complete certain degrees before my first child comes so I have a foot in the door for the future and something to build around. Still worried about being absent from the work tube. We hope for more children […] It is no longer time to have a large family, the risks associated with pregnancies are growing and I am wondering if I have time to see my own grandchildren. ” writes a woman who has had her firstborn at the age of 36.

There were also many respondents who have not waited for certain milestones to be reached and are happy with their decision.

“I got all the kids under the age of 25 and after that I studied the profession and went to work. At the age of 38, it is wonderful for children to be adults and enjoy watching their grandchildren grow. ” writes a woman who became a mother at the age of 17.

The story is published in HS Our Family magazine issue 5/22. HS Our Family is a magazine specializing in parenting and upbringing, edited by HS.

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